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| Evgeni Malkin (far right) appears to be garbed for an initiation rite at the House of the Eternal. |
Has Malkin been Turned? The LVH investigates.
(Quebec, October 2014)
Photos surfaced last night indicating Evgeni Malkin of the
Pittsburgh Penguins, arguably one of the best hockey players in the world, has
been Turned. The pictures were released in the guise of a Halloween party, with
Malkin and other NHL players in full costume. However, the photos clearly show
Malkin baring fangs and wearing traditional ceremonial garb used in initiation
rites in the House of the Eternal, the fundamentalist vampire church that has
become quite vocal about vampire rights in the lead-up to this fall’s mid-term
elections in the US.
“If Malkin’s been Turned, he needs to contact us,” states
Patricia Beaulieu, LVH Commissioner. “We have numerous rules in place stating
that an NHL player, if he’s been Turned, must leave the NHL and play for the
LVH if he chooses to continue to play hockey.”
“We have no evidence Malkin’s no longer human,” counters NHL
Commissioner Gary Bettman. “It’s a Halloween costume, for God’s sake. Get your
fangy heads out of your asses.”
We also reached out to Travis Payne, right wing for the LVH’s
Chicago Cobras, whose fight with the NHL to have his name engraved on the
Stanley Cup has been well-publicized. “Those fangs are fake,” says Payne, “and
nobody has fangs that look that fake unless they’re wearing them over real
fangs. Trust me on that. Malkin needs to face the music. They kicked me out of
the league so fast it’d make your head spin—I don’t know why they’re waffling
on this guy.”
More information as the story develops.
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